Thoughts on Turning 50 (or Where Did the Last Half Century Go??)

Today I am celebrating my 50th birthday.

Gasp...!

It does feel like a milestone and it does feel different from previous birthdays. A time to think back, and also forward, on my life.

For someone with a melancholic temperament like me, looking back it is easy to instantly remember the times when I haven't done so well, bad decisions I have made and areas where I let myself and others down. There have been many of those, and I could write a book about how NOT to live your first 50 years of life! But today I am choosing not to go down that road. I am becoming better at being kind to myself :)

I am very grateful for my life.

More and more I appreciate the privilege of my childhood in Sweden, growing up in a stable family circle with parents who were hard working, supportive and sacrificial towards me and my brothers.

They never stood in the way of any of my adventurous endeavours (like smuggling Bibles into communist Poland in my suitcase on my own when I was 17). As a family we spent a lot of time outdoors camping, fishing, picking berries, ice skating... my dad's deep love for nature is something which is ingrained in all of us kids, and also in my own children I think. The older I get, the more I see my parents' strengths and weaknesses coming out in my own character.  I am very proud of my heritage and will always be 100% Swedish! :)

After leaving school I had two great years travelling in and
out of Eastern Europe (Bible smuggling again) while being part of  an international team in Vienna. I saw God doing so many miracles during those border crossings and experienced his power in ways I will never forget. These were very formative years.  - -  And despite OM's strict social policy (the dreaded 'SP'...) I did manage to fall in love there, with the Irishman who later made me his wife and brought me all the way to Ireland!

 

Our next big adventure was our years in Turkey, where we drove overland from Ireland (via Sweden) with our kids aged 2 and 4. I still love that beautiful country and its people, and harbour a secret wish to live there again some day... I treasure the friendships I made there which have greatly enriched my life.



Life since Turkey has been about establishing a career, living through the ups and downs of Christian community, bringing up Daniel and Anna and then, when they were 10 and 8,  being blessed quite unexpectedly with Jacob :) I am incredibly proud of all my kids. They are thoughtful and caring and each supremely gifted in their individual ways. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve them, but then I remind myself that I can actually take some credit for the people they have become :) Frequently I stand in amazement when I see God's hand in their lives in ways I haven't expected.

Not that parenting has always been an easy journey. I have made plenty of mistakes and unwise decisions. Even now there are times when I feel inadequate and simply don't know how to handle situations. And sometimes I have to admit that my kids act much more maturely and adult-like than I do!!


Getting married to Chris was one of my GOOD decisions. I like being married to someone who does not always accept the status quo and who embraces adventure. We have lots of disagreements, and frequently opposing opinions, but that only keeps life interesting! :) Large measures of grace and forgiveness have been required over the years, especially on Chris' part. I think we have given each other a lot of freedom  to pursue individual interests and do things we each enjoy. That might have felt like taking a bit of a risk -  but after all these years (27, to be exact) we still share a lot of common ground and love and respect each other, and are sensing God gently nudging us both the same direction now as we are thinking towards the next stage of our lives.

I think I always imagined that by the time I reached 50 I would pretty much have life - and myself - figured out.  Well, that is not where I find myself. I probably have more questions than answers now. (When I was 20 I had mostly answers!) I realise more than ever that life is not black and white.  There are many shades of gray. There is much brokenness - in all of us. But it is precisely in this brokenness that God is with us and that he wants to make us - and all of his creation - complete. I am totally convinced  of God's greatness and faithfulness, and that living for him is the only thing that makes sense of  life.

There are still so many dreams within me that I feel God has put there. My hope is that I will have many more years of health and energy to live out those dreams :)  I want to always remain open to God surprising me with new opportunities and adventures too. As I know he will!! 

So... I feel ready to celebrate! :)
Thank you for being part of my life journey so far.
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